If you have trouble saying NO, it may be because you’re afraid of authority. As a child, we learn to submit to authority . It is normal, our parents and our teachers serve as our guide during our childhood … We obey them , for our own good. The problem is when obedience lasts “a little too much” …
The problem is when our obedience still lasts into adulthood … and inordinately.
Do you have the following problems?
- You let your boss give you more and more work, without clearly saying “stop” …
- You accept increasingly tight deadlines, without really protesting…
- You let your boss entrust you with missions that interest you less and less …
- You are withdrawn (and you stay there) when presenting the projects on which you have worked hard …
- You rarely reap the benefits of the efforts you make (thanks, compliments, bonuses, etc.) …
- You find it hard to put yourself forward, to value yourself, even when you played a key role on a project …
- You lose your means in front of your boss , especially if he is authoritarian, imposing and in bad faith …
- You avoid conflicts with your superiors, and in general anyone who represents an authority …
- You are afraid of not being understood or approved by your hierarchy…
- You do not give your opinion, and you seek consensus when you know that your leader will not totally agree with you …
If these problems speak to you … if you are experiencing several of these problems, it is certainly because of your fear of authority …
Where does our fear of authority come from?
Our fear of authority figures comes from our childhood, and from what we lived there.
And if we are afraid of authority even in adulthood, it is for three main reasons … that I will give you right away.
Just before, I would like us to talk (quickly) about authority during our childhood :
When we were children, our parents and teachers served as our “guides”. They protected us and gave us the basics to live with others.
They taught us to be clean…
They transmitted their values to us…
They taught us not to walk around naked …
They taught us to respect others …
They taught us how to become independent: go to the toilet on our own, wash like adults, wear our shoes, etc.
At the same time that we learned autonomy, we learned the rules that each autonomous person must respect: do not steal, do not break, do not degrade, etc.
We also learned moral rules, and social rules (queuing, paying, etc.).
All of these rules have been passed down to us by our parents using their authority.
We were not old enough to judge for ourselves: they were therefore the ones who judged “for us” and we had to obey them .
Then we became teenagers and we felt the need to find our own values. To find WHO we were deep inside …
Adolescents want to be sure that their values owe nothing to the influence of their parents… and that is why they take the opposite view from their parents : adolescents say and do the opposite of what their parents would like … Specially to hear them howl…
Even if this behavior seems infantile to you, it’s a pretty good sign: it’s proof that adolescents are maturing …
And on the contrary, if we, during our adolescence, we were too “wise” or too “nice”, if we never really challenged our parents, then we may not have learned to free ourselves from their authority… nor authority in general…
Faced with our deep respect for the rules, did our parents and loved ones find us “wise” and “well behaved”?
What if our so-called “wisdom” was not really wisdom? What if it was something else?
Truth be told, were we given the right to express ourselves?
Were we at least given the right to think?
And US ? Do we respect authority … to the point of not expressing ourselves (unlike other adolescents)?
Were we afraid of authority … to the point of not saying what we wanted?
What if, in fact, our apparent “wisdom” mainly concealed our fear of authority ?
So then why was OUR fear of authority stronger than OTHERS adolescents?
And why is it still paralyzing us today?
Here is the answer: our fear of authority has certainly been reinforced by 3 factors…
There are indeed 3 reasons that can explain our fear of authority.
These 3 reasons can be combined…
The very authoritarian parent, 1st origin of being afraid of authority
The first origin of our fear of authority is a very authoritarian parent . a controlling parent or a possessive parent.
In fact, when we were children, we saw our parents as “giants”. They were because of their size… and we imagined them to be much “bigger” than they were in reality. We gave them more power than in reality … And it’s the same for their authority …
The problem is that if our parents (or only one of the two) were very harsh and very demanding of us, then their behavior gave birth to us the fear of authority .
Then when we became adolescents, then adults, we continued in spite of ourselves to fear authority, and in particular to fear sanctions from authority.
And even today we find it difficult to free ourselves from authority…
The impression of having an all-powerful parent: 2nd origin of the fear of authority
The second origin of our fear of authority is the impression of having an “all-powerful” parent.
The almighty parent is the parent who does or has done something exceptional.
For example, it was the parent who left his native country to join his adopted country, where he had to rebuild his life from scratch.
The almighty parent is the parent who started or took over a business and made it prosper.
The almighty parent is the parent who has overcome a serious illness…
You see the idea … The almighty parent is the parent who has “proven his worth” through the trials of life; he is the one who excels in a field and serves as a reference and model; he is the one who impresses other adults, the one who arouses the respect and even the admiration of “grown-ups”.
In this context, we saw (through our children’s eyes) our parent as an extraordinary being, someone whose power is infinite, someone formidable.
Maybe we even idealized it!
Obviously, we were impressed by such a great power, by such a gifted being.
And we have given this parent much more power than he actually had.
Suddenly, this image of the almighty parent strengthened his authority, and made it much harder to free us from his authority…
Education, rules, and obedience… 3rd origin of fear of authority
Our fear of authority is also linked to our education and our culture …
In YOUR education, did authority perhaps have a fundamental place?
Perhaps you were told again that you had to respect the rules laid down by certain authorities “above” you: religious authorities, military authorities, political authorities, administrative authorities, etc.
Respect for these rules and these authorities was perhaps valued in your family …
Is this still the case? Does religion hold an important place in your family? Do you have military parents or grandparents?
What about your parents? If your parents themselves have submitted to these rules and these authorities, it will necessarily have strengthened your own obedience …
The problem, when we grow up in this type of environment, is that the day we want to free ourselves from these authorities, our action is perceived as a rebellion.
And we feel guilty for going against these rules: breaking these rules often does not hurt anyone, but this is not the discourse of those around us: “You hurt your father. “, ” Shame on you ! “,” You forget where you come from … “,
In addition, in some cultures , special power has traditionally been given to certain family members. In some families it is the father who decides everything, in other families it is the grandmother …
The power of this person is then “sacred” and we find ourselves “forced” to respect this power .
During our education, our loved ones insist so much on the importance of obeying this person, that this person ultimately holds “absolute” authority over us.
We will never dare to say “no” to it, because it would be a rebellion .
The simple act of expressing ourselves would call into question the established order …
Especially if it is to express a different opinion…
As adults, we continue to reproduce the behavior to which we were trained during our childhood: for example we obey our leader without protest, as we obey our father in the past…
As you can see, our fear of authority is linked to our childhood. It comes from a very authoritarian , dominant, and / or possessive parent . Our fear of authority also comes to us from the image of all power left by a parent. Finally, our fear of authority comes from an education based on obedience , obligation and respect for certain rules …
But our fear of authority is not the only reason for our lack of assertiveness.
There is another shackle that also comes to us from our childhood: ” limiting beliefs “.
The limiting beliefs , these are ideas, opinions which we submit unconsciously and imprison us. They limit us, hence their name “ limiting beliefs ”. We also talk about“ false beliefs ”.
It is because of certain limiting beliefs that we dare not say NO, not give our opinion, for example.
It is because of certain limiting beliefs that we dare not live the life that we want deep down …
To learn more, Watch this short video :
