I’m beginning to think that I may not be made for love.
I guess it is not love, but rather reciprocal love. Or at least, the kind of love that would make someone want to do anything to be with me. The feeling that two people feel inspires them to move mountains to make their love as real as the sunrise.
Maybe my problem is that I think love is supposed to be magical, not logical. My soul aspires to electricity, sparks, poetry and how the kiss of a soulmate can make the world disappear.
Yet even if I desire it more than anything, even if I give this love to others, it will never be returned to me.
But I am tired of lying to myself, and I am tired of pretending that friendship is the only possibility that I can have. And I’m even more tired of believing in love and believing that someday I won’t lie down alone every night.
I think I finally realize that I may never be loved by the way I should be.
Maybe it’s my destiny to be alone.
I guess it’s my fault in some respects, because I always see the light even in the darkness. I never focus on why it won’t work, but only on why it will work. I do not see how difficult this could be, but how much it would be worth it. I don’t spend a minute thinking about how a love would affect others, because I know that when you find a love that looks like you, you hold it.
I have always been romantic, the kind of person able to do hours of driving just to feel my lips against hers, or to wake up in the middle of the night just because the person could not wait for the sunrise to see me. Maybe I’m not even looking for love, but just to be special for someone, to do anything to get me.
Yet, even with all of this, I refuse to change.
I want this person to fight for me, for us, the same way I do.
I will not even move an inch, because I am unable to accept anything less than the kind of love I wish. A love that prays me on my knees with gratitude for our souls to be reunited in this life.
I don’t want regular love. I do not want others to endorse us simply because we have things in common.
What I want is a partner who can tell me that I make him lose his mind, that I kill him slowly with my love and my reality. I want someone who breathes me and refuses to spend life with someone else at his side. I want someone who can’t get me out of his head and thinks no matter what he’s going to do, he won’t be able to get me out of his heart.
I want this person to fight for me, for us, the same way I do.
Someone who not only tells me that I deserve it, but who shows me his actions.
I do not think I am asking too much. I do not think it is foolish to think that sometimes love pushes us into the most improbable places and that when this happens, instead of fleeing, we must plant our feet firmly and remain determined to protect something so special.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know if maybe someday there will be someone who will dare to skip the step to be the one who will wake up by my side in the morning.
I do not know if I will be loved the way I have to be. Maybe I’m just not made for love. Perhaps I am destined to walk alone in this life, giving unconditional love as a gift to those I meet. Perhaps it is only in my solitude that I am able to love as I do, because when it is not diluted and pure, it becomes an irrepressible force.
But I don’t really believe it. Because I know I’m not mistaken for what I feel and what I want. Because I learned that in love, you only get amazing things if you actually believe it exists.
As for me, I prefer to spend my days alone believing in this disorderly, imperfect, difficult and beautiful vision of love, rather than to settle for the bland taste of the relationship without passion.
