What your jealous feelings are telling you! We’ve probably all felt the green-eyed monster’s sting at some point in our lives. Is my boyfriend’s banter with his handsome best buddy, whom he’s known since kindergarten, more than “just friends”? Is my supervisor more impressed with the other younger colleague than with me? Why didn’t my best friend invite me to the movies, yet she didn’t invite me?
According to Robin Stern, PhD, assistant director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, “jealousy is the emotion we feel when we are afraid of losing someone or a connection that is really important to us.”
Perhaps we begin to worry that a connection is becoming less sacred in the eyes of the other person. Perhaps we are afraid that someone else may take away a connection we have with someone else, says Stern, who is also a registered psychotherapist with 30 years of experience treating people and couples. “It’s the nagging sensation that I’m going to lose you in some way.”
What your jealous feelings are telling you!
The terms “jealousy” and “envy” are frequently used interchangeably. Envy is about goods, a scenario, or a position (someone else has what you desire), but jealousy is about people (you interpret someone else’s connection with a friend or lover as endangering your connection with that person), according to Stern.
You may be envious of a neighbor’s new automobile or a coworker’s promotion, but you will be envious if your best buddy confides in another friend rather than you.
Jealousy might be an indication that you need to work on something in your relationship or that something in your relationship isn’t going the way you want it to go. However, if left uncontrolled, devouring jealousy may be dangerous.
Consuming jealousy, on the other hand, can be poisonous and ruin relationships if left unchecked. That is why, according to Stern and others, we must be able to perceive it and act in a beneficial manner.
5 better methods to deal with jealousy
What should you do to deal with jealousy in a more constructive manner when it arises? Here are a few things to consider.
Be aware of what you’re telling yourself.
Stern advises taking a step back and considering what you’re telling yourself about the circumstance. You’re at the movies with another friend when you spot your best buddy.
Is it really necessary for you to be envious of the person who was invited instead of you? and Is this an indication that your friend no longer wants to get out with you? Is it possible that your friend knew you didn’t want to see that particular film?
According to Stern, “the things you tell yourself often influence the feelings you feel.”
Because you believe your relationship is at jeopardy, jealousy is stirred. Rather than presuming that the threat is coming from someone else, Stern advises staying in your own connection. Because you’ve been busier, your buddy may be spending more time with another friend, and this is a hint that you need to make more time for that buddy.
Instead of spiralling into a downward spiral of blaming and hurting feelings, focusing on your relationship with that individual allows you to fix whatever is wrong.
Determine whether your jealousy stems from your own anxieties.
According to Freeman, jealous worries about a spouse are frequently rooted in unfavourable self-perceptions. Do you become envious of your partner associating with other people because you believe your relationship is in jeopardy? Or are you self-conscious about not having outside-of-the-relationship interests as he does?
According to Freeman, basing your whole self-worth on one relationship might lead to insecurity. “Boost your self-confidence if it’s low. Make sure you have hobbies and activities that aren’t related to your relationship.”
If an issue arises, discuss it.
When it comes to trust and loyalty, all partnerships benefit from mutually agreed upon norms. And it’s a good idea to talk about these things in a relationship you cherish, according to Freeman. It may be quite beneficial to start a dialogue, especially if you feel distance or someone is drifting away.
But, before you start a discussion, consider what you want to get out of it.
Stern believes that if you’re going to talk about it, what you say and how you say it counts. Think about what you want to get out of the discussion before you start it, she advises. “Do I want someone to mend it if I tell them I’m jealous?” Is it okay if they tell me I shouldn’t feel envious?”
Perhaps something else is causing y to react.
Perhaps something else is causing your envy — perhaps you’ve seen a growing distance between you and that person recently — and you’d like to talk about it.