We have met more than once of people who are hard to give a helping hand because they do not let themselves be helped.
The most common is that they correspond to one of these two cases: either they are among the people who are willing to help everyone but who are struggling to get help, or they are people who have a serious problem and who , even in this case, do not accept anyone’s help.
In both cases, the situation is very frustrating for others.
Those who cross people like this do not understand why they do not let themselves be helped when they need it. The case sometimes becomes irritating and could be interpreted as negligence or lack of willingness to solve the problems.
“The greatest spectacle is a man striving to fight against adversity; But there’s another bigger one: seeing another man help him. »
– Oliver Goldsmith –
The fact is that things are almost never done that way.
The reasons why some people do not allow themselves to be helped reside in a fundamental problem.
Even if they are suffering and needing others, they have a great deal of difficulty in agreeing to receive help. It can be because of an unconscious block or simply because they have difficulty recognizing that they need to change.
Those who help everyone but do not let themselves be helped
It is relatively common to see that those who help everyone have problems asking or accepting help from others. These are people who have built an identity from which they can give, but not receive. They believe that they have a duty to meet the needs of others when they themselves are coping or ignoring their own.
In one way or another, they do not allow themselves to be helped by others because they think that in this way they betray their “mission” in life, since it would be incoherent with the image and the person they want to build ( Totally independent). They may also feel that accepting the help of others implies a disturbance to the latter. In other words, cause them problems. It makes them ashamed.
It is also possible that they do not allow themselves to be helped because they think that benefiting from this aid generates a debt that the other can claim when he wants, for anything. They do not understand that others can be happy to help and that it does not create compensation obligations. That is why it is sometimes necessary to show it to them, showing affection.
Need help but not accept it in return
The other case concerns those people who do not allow themselves to be helped as they go through very difficult situations. Obviously they need the help of others but if someone tries to help them out of their problems, they reject that person. The most typical example is that of a person who suffers from an addiction. The most usual is that she refuses, sometimes stubbornly, to accept that others give her a helping hand to get out of the situation in which she is.
In these cases, it is normal for the person not to admit that they have a problem. So she’ll let herself be even less help. Part of his problem is precisely the negation of the latter. This happens with people with addictions but also with those who suffer from depression, anxiety or other disorder and who are not aware of it or have a biased vision.
Strange as it seems, in this case, the very symptom is an adaptive response that the person built to support his life. It is “adaptive” in the sense that it allows it to interpret reality in a way that helps it to move forward. For example, a depressed person imagines that she is sad because she is more sensitive than other people and not because she is sick. However, this illusion allows him to explain his life and to continue to live it, even at the cost of great suffering.
What to do with those who do not let themselves be helped?
In the first case, that of those who help everyone but do not let themselves be helped, we advise you to help clarify the situation. To show them, with affection, that our aid is born of a true esteem. And that being able to give them a helping hand is a source of satisfaction and does not represent a sacrifice or a great effort.
In the second case, that of those who do not let themselves be helped when they need it, the situation is a little more complex. We need more patience and tact here. To be present, to be interested in this person and to try to accept it as it is is an excellent key for the other to open his door and let us in. The most important thing is not to give in to the temptation to put pressure on them to change. Sometimes the concern for this person takes on this form and our intervention, full of good intentions, ends up being harmful to him.
You have to respect the rhythms of each person.
Most of the time, they need time to understand that they need help.